free association

And I feel like I’m crazy.  Crazy, he says.  Mind wandering and wandering around all these possibilities, all these impossibilities, and all these other random things, lost in the haze of his thoughts.  Looking at himself.  Watching his behaviour with another eye.  And another eye.  And another set of eyes.  Feeling insane.  Watching the man doing what he is doing and thinking that motherfucker is insane, – what is he doing?  Why is he doing that?  Laughing like an animal.  Smiling like an animal.  –  And what do animals smile about anyway?  What does an animal’s smile look like?  And how do we know what they are smiling at?  Or if indeed it is actually a smile.  It is easy enough to mimic certain emotions.  We know what they feel like, we know what they look like – to us.  We perceive our emotions with a certain image.  With something we can visualise.  So when we feel sad, we see our sad face.  When we feel gay, we see a FAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGG face, and when we feel smiley, we see a smiley face.  So why not just mimic these faces!  Or, perhaps some people already do?

Ever been walking down the street, gaily, nodding at someone as they passer you by?  They smile back at you, but what does it mean?  Is it a smile?  Has their face been paralysed?  Are they on drugs?  Do they like you?  Do I know what I’m talking about?

(I feel like I’m crazy.  Again.  I know I’m just writing at the speed of type, and going crazy and trying to keep up with my thoughts and try and keep up with this urge, this force that says, write write write.  The point seems unclear.  The whirr of the microwave says that it might be the point)…

I realise I’m merely wasting time as the microwave cooks my pizza.  It hums in the background, clicking on and off, its currents of convection will soon produce some form of midnight snack.  I cant sleep.  I don’t want to sleep.  It seems extremely boring and wasteful to sleep, when I could be doing this instead.  When you’re sleeping, you do nothing but sleep – and perhaps, dream.  But when you’re awake, the possibilities of what you can do are virtually endless.  Right now, I’m waiting for a pizza to cook…

And you are reading this.

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