A letter to my penfriend Sylvia Camara

My dear, how are you and your family? Compliment of the season. My dear ,I’m happy to inform you about my success in transferring my late fathers money. This is to bring to your notice that I have given a draft to the WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER AGENT HERE IN DAKAR SENEGAL the amount of  ($500,000,00 USD)  United State Dollars directed in cash credited to file KTU/ 9023118308/05 to you due to your past help and assistance. I did not forget your efforts. Right now the money is under the care of Western Union Dakar Senegal Head Office, I gave them the money to transfer to you due to the urgency of my traveling. So right now they have agreed to transfer it to you through Western Union Money Transfer.

The money could not be sent to you today due to allocated security code. since the ECOBANK DU SENEGAL has approval to send the said cash through western union Money Transfer.

WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER AGENT HERE IN DAKAR SENEGAL was unable to complete this because they want to reconfirm your information. So you are required to send your Full information to effect this post.

FULL NAME :…………………………


MOBILE PHONE :…………………….

COUNTRY :…………………………….

BANK ACCOUNT ……………………..


In order to resolve this problem, ensure that you send an E.mail with the above requested information to  Western Union Solicitors Fund Verification Department with this following e.mail Address ( mrs.eunicewesternuniontransfer@yahoo.com ) Try to contact the Western Union Today with this E-mail as well with your correct information as requested. As soon as this information is received by the WESTERN UNION AGENT, the Money shall be sent to you via Western Union / installment wire transfer. Thanks and take good care of your self, remember  to let me know when the money has been transferred to you so that we can share the joy together. This is my own turn to pay you back for your good heart. Helping the needy pays so much. In the moment,I am very busy here in Canada because of the investment projects which I and my new partner are having at hand now so i might not be checking my email always. Finally,try and get in touch with Western Union money transfer urgent today. Have a wonderful day.

Your friend

Hi Sylvia!

Im so so sorry it has taken me so long to reply – i hope i haven’t missed out on your dead father’s money!
It sounds like you’re doing really well in Canada, despite the fact that you still can’t really write well – perhaps you speak better than you write, no?  – If only that would possibly have an effect on our relationship but it wont, because I’ve only ever communicated with you via email, and usually at times when your father has died, and you’ve been so generous to pay me millions for being your pen-friend (what, is this the fourth, fifth father you’ve had that has died a multimillionaire?!  Either your mother is a gold-digging whore, or you both are!  – Ha!) 
Anyway, there is a band from LA (Los Angeles) called ‘Steel Panther’ who wrote a song called ‘gold digging whore’.  Im not necessarily saying that you remind me of a ‘gold digging whore’, maybe just that the song ‘gold digging whore’ reminds me of you.  So yes.   – They’re a bit of a parody of the 80’s glam and hair metal bands, so most of their songs are along these lines (profane, grotesque tributes to sex, drugs and rock and roll) – as similarly predictable as your chain letters, albeit with far more prowess.  
Here’s a link – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXU00r9OTxg – to the song I’m referring to – i think you’ll love it! (Maybe you could even have it blasting in the background while you shoot your emails around?)
Be that as it may, I’m honored to have again received yet another offer from you for a simply enormous sum of money, and for very little effort on my part.
So it is with this in mind, that id like to return the favor.
Unfortunately, me and my family are of a largely scrupulous background and have chosen to live our lives surviving via normal methods of existence (i.e. earning an honest living, for example), so i am unable to offer an absurd sum of money either inherited or otherwise, but i can offer my excrement, send to you on a daily basis, for a period of one year!
Please don’t refuse my humble offer, as it is the least i can do.
I am also proud to say that i am extremely regular, healthy and have a beautiful firm stool that is often in excess of 800g (sometimes over 1kg or 1/2lb). If you want a selection of recipes for shit, i can also recommend some great books so you can eat it every day.
Again, it really is the least i can do.
Please do respond with the your:
  • Mailing address (preferably not a PO box, as the quality of the stool will be compromised if overexposed to heat or other weather extremes for too long)
  • contact phone number (for the courier)
As you have been continually extremely generous over the years, I’m more than happy to eat certain foods to alter the consistency, flavor, texture or color of my excrement as you wish for certain dishes or recipes you might want to try or enjoy.  That being said (and as I’ve already mentioned) i can guarantee the quality, consistency and regularity of my bowel movements – you won’t be disappointed!
Sorry about your dad.
Hope mum is doing ok?

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