Why English crowds will ruin your night

For the whole time ive been in the UK, there’s always been something about a concert experience with English crowds that has seemed to vex me.  Up until tonight however, i couldnt quite put my finger on it.  – I was always bemused at how dull everyone seemed.  I was always confused as to why no-one was really jumping around – and when they were, it was to jump out of your way, or jump towards you to tell you that you shouldnt really be jumping at a concert.  Be that is it may, dull, lifeless – hanging on in quiet desperation – is the English way.

In any case, the concerts that i generally frequent are those of the heavy and heavier metal kind.  Its not such an odd thing to see people jumping, or getting involved in some way, shape, or form.

What i do find odd though, is the propensity of the poms to clap their hands to the music.  Clapping your hands at a Neil Diamond concert, or a Bon Jovi concert or (even) a Metallica concert is almost a foregone conclusion, but clapping your hands at a concert of a Swedish death metal band? – You tell me what fucking death metal band wants to see a bunch of people clapping along to their music, like they’re at the fucking footy, chanting their yobbo pseudo nursery rhyme chants in their samey yobbo voices, incessantly speeding up within bars of beginning, until they’re so out of time that they try and drown out their incessant clapping with more yobbo chants?  At what point do these dim-witted fools think that they’re actually adding to the atmosphere in the audience around them, rather than simply annoying the fuck out of everyone with their hooligan-like behaviour. – And thats not to mention the band that is trying to play in time while the home fans continue to muck up their beat…

The vibe i get is that there is a deep seated, white-trash, football chant, mindless-clapping-culture that is inherent in the average male in the UK and oftentimes, this is the only way that they can relate to anything that is effecting their current state:  They’re at a concert, the music is profound, complex, intelligent, moving, evocative – i know! – Let’s clap along and shout inconceivable nonsense to it!  Everyone is cheering and whooping their praise at song’s end, some brought to extremes by the power of the music – i know!  – Chanting the band’s name over and over like you’ve got tourettes syndrome, alzheimer’s, cerebal palsy and a death wish will really help to liven the (already peaking) atmosphere!

When i told one of these kids that he better shut the fuck up his response (to crawl into the little shell that his backpack created – with his water bottle full of tap water in it – and then scurry elsewhere in the crowd away from the big scary man with the loud scream) was nothing less than i expected.

In this country, football is passion – anything else, and its just a little bit too intense and left-field for some of these dicks to understand.  I know! – We’ll make it more fun by chanting and clapping like we’re at the football!! – (you fucking retard)…

2 thoughts on “Why English crowds will ruin your night

  1. not every tourettes syndrome, alzheimer’s, cerebal palsy sufferer would behave the way you described some of the audience in the concert you attended recently. Hasty generalisation this time, maybe?

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